I was recently reading Matthew and i came across the verse where Jesus states that if we had faith the size of a mustard seed we could move mountains. Have you ever tried it? Moving a mountain, or anything at all, merely with faith.
Close your eyes, think of an object, and believe that you could move it. Did it work? If it did, then I want to meet you because you have more faith than most of us. Every time i close my eyes in the back of my head i still have thoughts of unbelief, excuses on why i cant do it, and a preset notion already set in my mind that it would never work. But imagine if we had but a tiny speck of faith, all that we could do.
Lately Ive been drowning in doubt and unbelief, in myself, which comes down to being pretty equivalent to doubting God. Ive been working so hard on myself, trying to change how i see myself and what i think of myself but it keeps getting worse. Nothing anyone could tell me could change my mind. And trust me, my husband has tried ever since we got married. Im getting deep and personal here but i know i cant be the only one going through this.
This world gave us its qualifications of beauty, it tells us the way we should act: whats cool, whats trending, it constantly reminds us that we are not enough, that we must spend tons of money on perfecting our image and tons of time trying to fit in. And I am a poor victim of this dilemma. Constant comparison, constant discouragement, distrust, and so much doubt fills my heart. Oh evil world, what have you done to us?
I know that if you meet me, you would never think that i struggle with something as low and pathetic as self doubt, and a low self esteem. This me comes out when im alone, or at my lowest point. When im vulnerable, when im sad, and when im far from God, and its really ugly.
I spent my whole life knowing God, serving God, and loving God. But this world got the best of me, and everyday im fighting the demolish these ideas that satan put into my heart. "I;m ugly, I'm fat, not cool enough, not smart enough, not active enough," there are so many not enoughs'. But these are all mere ideas, and an idea is far from the truth.
There is one thing that I'm always sure of though, its that God knows the truth, He is the truth, and he shares that truth with us everyday. Most of the time, i just have a hard time listening.
If i had the faith of a mustard seed, I would KNOW that God made me perfect in His image. I would be sure in the fact that He loves me because He created me. If i had the faith of a mustard seed, there would be no comparison, no not good enoughs, no doubts, i would live my day knowing that i have a bigger purpose, that im important, and that i am loved for who God made me.
But, when I try closing my eyes and try believing in the fact that I am enough, that I am made beautifully in His image, i still have thoughts of unbelief, excuses on why it cant be true, and a preset notion already set in my mind that i could never believe in myself.
Man this is getting really really personal, but i promise i am going somewhere with this....
I am sure of one thing, its that I love God and that He loves me,
He loves me so much that He sent His son to die for me.
So the fact that i still go day by day doubting myself just proves my lack of faith.
Because God almighty, the creator of all, loves ME. He thinks im beautiful, He thinks im enough, He thinks im worth it. And that alone should be enough of a truth for me to believe in myself, and to love myself.
All it takes is for me to have faith, and to believe. And isnt that what I base my whole life on?
i realized all this thanks to one verse, a verse that made me feel ashamed in my lack of faith, a verse that made me reevaluate what i consider truth. If i believe in God, and the fact the He loves me, i should believe in myself, I should appreciate how He made me, and having doubt in myself is merely having doubt in Him.
Faith, faith in God is the answer to all of our problems, we must believe He has a better plan, we must believe He loves us, we must believe He made us beautiful . Because if we dont, then whats the point of living. Imagine if we truly believed in ourselves, all the things we could do, accomplish. If we experienced faith in full capacity we could do the unimaginable.
I am a lost soul, sucked deep into this world, but God never lets go, He always brings me home. I'm not going to change in a day, but as long as I believe and hold on to the truth, God will transform me, and heal me, and help me heal others.
Those of you struggling with the same thing, dont give up hope. There is an exit, and an entrance into a better life, where you KNOW you are beautifully made, and you know you are worth it.
I love you, and the fact the God loves you, should be enough to let you know that YOU are ENOUGH.