My struggle with identity theft

These few days it seems that about every Christian blogger I follow decided to share their thoughts on Halloween. And that is totally cool, I love reading different opinions and comparing them to that of my own, but this year I will not be sharing my thoughts on Halloween, I want to talk about another topic that has nothing to do with celebrating Halloween but it's something that is a big aspect of it.
The biggest part of halloween is that people get to choose to be a different identity, they get to be someone else for one night.
 Talk about "identity theft" (pun intended).
Anyways, It got me wondering why people find so much pleasure in being someone other than themselves, and it made me realize that "identity theft" is something that I have struggled with pretty much my whole life.

I'm sure every person, at least once in their life, has thought about who they are, what their purpose is, and where they belong. Well for me, that journey was a long messy one.
I spent my life riding a self esteem roller coaster, always struggling with self image, always striving to be someone prettier, someone cooler, someone better. And even though I always pretended that I didn't care, deep down inside I always had the need to be accepted and acknowledged. As a teenager I actually spent time thinking about whether I wanted to stick to being a nerd, a jock,  a girly girl, and so on. I even struggled with deciding on a clothing style; should I dress sporty, girly, indie, classy or grungy? Looking back I realize how ridiculous that is, but it shows just how lost I was.

Then as I got older, I no longer felt the need to categorize myself as something, but I started to struggle with something even worse. With time, I began to find it hard to love myself, and be happy with who I was. I began to constantly doubt myself, and compare myself to others, I lost sight of who I was and who I was made to be. I thought things would change when I got married, but for some reason they only got worse; I became even less confident, and even more confused about who I am. This struggle affected my marriage, my service, my growth and nothing good came out of it.

But I am so thankful for my husband because he has been so supportive and helpful through all of it. Even more so I am so thankful that I know God, because this would be a journey to darkness if it weren't for Him. Even though I didn't always see it, God has been by my side every step of the way, always picking me back up when I fell. There were times when I wasn't close to Him and didn't let Him help me, but He always found a way back into my heart, He always directed me to the right path.

I'm sharing this personal struggle not because I want pity or attention but because I want to remind people, just as God reminded me, that there is always a way out in Him. We all have different journeys, different weaknesses; But we all have one God. And He has showed me that I no longer need to feel the need to identify myself as something, I no longer need to feel the need to feel accepted by people. God wants me to identify myself in Him, to identify myself as His. When you let God decide who you are, then you no longer need to worry about the approval of others. GOD made us, therefore He made us beautiful and perfect in every way. Sure, we are filled with sin, but in our core we share an identity with God. He made us in HIS image. How amazing is that? I just wanted to remind everyone that if there are ever days when you start to doubt yourself, when you lose sight of who you are, just set your eyes up above and He will remind you.

I am a sinner, I will fall again, but I will never stop trying to get better and I will never let go of this truth. Our identity in God is a gift. We should hold on to it with all that we have. It is the passport to a better life. I experienced first hand living without this passport. And it just assures me that much more that there is nothing better in this world than to have an identity in someone greater than life itself, to be confident in Him, and to know who we are in Him.

Why look back when the future is yours

There was a point in my life where my relationship with God was stronger than ever. It was fresh, and new, I had great support and resources, and I stood strong in my faith.
 Then life happened, and the world slowly and unoticably shaped me into a different person; it dimmed my flame, weakened my faith and my sense of who I was in God blurred.
Since then, my relationship with God has been wavering, on and off, no where near as stable as it used to be.
 So ever since, I kept looking to the past, wishing I could change back to the way I used to be. I would fight with myself and push myself to be that person again, putting all my energy into becoming someone I used to be other than becoming more like God.
But recently, I finally realized that looking back was what was getting in the way of my growth. Looking back prevented me from moving forward.
 So now, im learning to let go of the past to focus on creating my new, better self, into someone who stands closer to God than ever.
Why look back when you can look forward to the future; something you still have the chance to mold and mend into your own liking.
 So I choose to focus on getting closer to God with every new day, and with each day I will be a step closer than I was before. There may be days where I might stay in place, because im not perfect, and growth isnt easy. But as long as day by day I put in all the effort I can to know God more, then looking back will no longer be neccesary.

Now not everyone may relate to this, but I just wanted to remind us all to take life by the day, God opens up to us in new ways every single moment of our lives, we just have to open our eyes and look. Lets not be stuck in the past or in one spot, because life moves forward, not backwards, and so should we. God can't change our past, but He sure can help us have a brighter future.

100 questions no one ever asks

I am subscribed to a few girls on youtube and one of them did a 100 questions no one ever asks tag. So i thought i would do it and reveal weird facts about myself that one one probably cares about. But i always loved these things because they bring back memories and helps me realize some things about myself that i would never think about otherwise.

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?

I close every door in my house, even when I'm not sleeping, Its like a weird OCD thing.

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels?

Once in awhile, if they smell good.

3. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?

I just sleep with a blanket, anything extra, and I wake up all tangled up, because I am a crazy sleeper.

4. Have you stolen a street sign before?

Weirdly I have, more than once, but ones that were already off the pole. I also have stolen license plates only to add them to my collection, and only off old abandoned cars.

5. Do you like to use post-it notes?

I used too, my desk would be covered in them, but now I don't even own any.

6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?

Yes! I should use them though, but it takes getting used to.

7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?

Um I would most likely die from a bear attack just because I'm so clumsy..but I'm not sure about bees..could you die from that?

8. Do you have freckles?

Nope, but I always wanted them.

9. Do you always smile for pictures?

Not always.

10. What is your biggest pet peeve?

Slow drivers.

11. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?

When I go running I count my steps unnoticably to keep my rhythm.

12. Have you peed in the woods?

Every summer.

13. Have you ever pooped in the woods?

Lol, anyone who's gone camping has.

14. Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing?

Yup.

15. Do you chew your pens and pencils?

It's bad, when I was in school and would borrow pens or pencils I would never give them back because the condition they ended up being in would make people think Im a beaver or something. I chew up all my straws and plastic spoons and forks as well. 

16. How many people have you kissed this week?

Well this got personal, one.

17. What size is your bed?

Queen, a king would never fit into our apartment.

18. What is your song of the week?

Um.. honestly I don't have one.

19. Is it OK for guys to wear pink?

I really have no opinion, I've seen guys wear it in weddings, ties, etc. and it never bothered me. 

20. Do you still watch cartoons?

I really don't have a choice, I'm a nanny

21. What is your least favorite movie?

I really don't like any comedy where the characters are dumb or retarded. I dont think they are funny, and I don't get the point of them, all they do is aggravate me. Aka, Dumb and Dumber.. hate all of them. Plus people who are really retarded are that way because of some sort of disability, and these movies are just making fun of helpless people and just promoting more bullying towards them. In my opinion. 

22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?

I used to flush my report cards when I didn't want my parents to see them hahaah... but that's not relevant... probably in a safe and then in my backyard..if I lived in a house.

23. What do you drink with dinner?

I drink water with every meal..don't like juice or milk and I try not to drink soda.

24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?

Ranch mixed with ketchup..or ranch mixed with Bbq.

25. What is your favorite food?

Pizza, and any kind of chicken

26. What movies could you watch over and over again and still love?

Ive seen She's the Man over ten times.

27. Last person you kissed/kissed you?

Husband..duh.

28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?

Never wanted to be.

29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?

Never, I feel sad for any girl that ever has, how could you degrade yourself that much? Do you not have any respect for yourself?

30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?

When me and Andrey were still dating, long distance made writing letters fun.

31. Can you change the oil on a car?

I think I can... but I only think that.

32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?

Ha! I'm actually somewhat embarrassed to say how many I've gotten, but I've been on a deferral, I went to a nine hour class about learning to drive properly, I got my license taken away so that should say something. But...I haven't gotten a speeding ticket for a year or two I think, so I'm very proud of my progress.

33. Ever ran out of gas?

Surprisingly not, because lately I've been driving with my empty tank light on for two days straight.

34. What’s your favorite kind of sandwich?

I LOVE sandwiches. My favorite kinds are the toasted ones, where the cheese is melted.

35. Best thing to eat for breakfast?

The best thing to eat IS breakfast

36. What is your usual bedtime?

I don't have a usual bedtime...sometime after eleven? Sometimes I doze off around ten but then I wake up again and stay up some more.

37. Are you lazy?

I try not to be... but I do dedicate some time in my evenings to relax.

38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?

Never celebrated halloween, never dressed up for halloween.

39. What is your Chinese astrological sign?

Don't believe in that stuff, don't care.

40. How many languages can you speak?

Fluent english, I like to say fluent russian, spanish (I'm terrible at speaking it, but can read it and understand it.) I can also somewhat understand ukrainian 

41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?

Me and my best friend used to spend hours in barnes and nobles or the library and just read magazines for teenagers, but that was about the last time I spent time reading one, we were like 14.

42. Which are better: legos or lincoln logs?

Definitely legos.. all the way.

43. Are you stubborn?

My husband wouldn't think twice before answering yes.

44. Who is better: Leno or Letterman?

Not into any.

45. Ever watch soap operas?

I think I watched one in my life and never again.. but any russian show always reminds me of a soap opera.

46. Are you afraid of heights?

For the most part no.. I don't even feel the thrill of roller coasters any more...

But I haven't been a top all heights.

47. Do you sing in the car?

Who hasn't?

48. Do you sing in the shower?

Surprisingly no... I have tried before..yes like forced myself too... but I could never think of what to sing? haha

49. Do you dance in the car?

Shhh

50. Ever used a gun?

To shoot empty soda cans in a forest.

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

My wedding.

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

No! A guilty pleasure.. I love them.

53. Is Christmas stressful?

It has always been my favorite holiday... but every Christmas as I get older I would joke about wanting less friends... because it does get expensive.

54. Ever eat a pierogi?

Hah! Have you met a russian who hasn't?

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

Pie is so good, all pie...

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

A firefighter lol, I would try to convince my parents why girls should be allowed to be one.

But teacher was always on the list too. 

57. Do you believe in ghosts?

I believe in the spirit world.. is that the same thing?

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

All the time.

59. Do you take a vitamin daily?

No but I try into slip in fruits and veggies into every meal.

60. Do you wear slippers?

Never liked them, and never liked socks.

61. Do you wear a bath robe?

Only in the winter.

62. What do you wear at home?

Baggy shirts and leggings.

63. What was your first concert?

Owl city and Relient K.

64. Walmart, Target, or Kmart?

Target for sure, but it does get pricey, because everything there is perfect and perfect things add up to a high number.

65. Nike or Adidas?

Always been a Nike girl.

66. Cheetos or Fritos?

Fritos, As much as I love cheese I never was a fan of cheetos..except the hot cheetos.

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

Neither. Pumpkin seeds.

68. Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?

Nope.

69. Ever take dance lessons?

Nope.

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

Rating and evaluating movies, for sure.

71. Can you curl your tongue?

Yup, but not into the clover.

72. Ever won a spelling bee?

Of course, spelling is my talent... I'm also a major grammar nazi as they say.

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

The first time I repented, throughout my whole wedding ceremony, when I saw my mom on her birthday this year... of course I have.

74. Own any record albums?

Nope, but I always dreamed of having a collection.

75. Own a record player?

I wish.

76. Do you regularly burn incense?

Nope, but lately I have been obsessed with candles, sometimes I burn five at once.

77. Ever been in love?

Still am.

78. Who would you like to see in concert?

Need to Breathe and M83. 

79. What was the last concert you saw?

Odesza.

80. Hot tea or cold tea?

Hot..I'm russian, I drink like eight cups a day.

81. Tea or coffee?

Coffee, hands down, but in the evening I prefer tea.

82. Sugar cookies or snickerdoodles?

Snickerdoodles.

83. Can you swim well?

I love to swim... when I was in good shape I used to do laps in the pool of my gym I used to be able to do a mile.

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

Yea, theres people that can't?

85. Are you patient?

Ask my husband, he will say no.

86. DJ or band at a wedding?

Band.

87. Ever won a contest?

Honestly, I don't remember.

88. Have you ever had plastic surgery?

Nope,  never plan on it.

89. Which are better: black or green olives?

Neither, olives are gross.

90. Can you knit or crochet?

I used to knit all the time, my mom taught me, but I have very sensitive hands and for some odd reason my fingers would hurt so much after, so I had to stop.

91. Best room for a fireplace?

Living room, but a fireplace in a big bedroom seems so cozy as well.

92. Do you want to get married?

I did, but then I got married.

93. If married, how long have you been married?

Five months.

94. Who was your high school crush?

Some boy probably.

95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?

Ha Ha Ha....I think my husband would laugh at this question.

96. Do you have kids?

No.

97. Do you want kids?

Yes, I would love kids..but not anytime soon.

98. What is your favorite color?

All shades of blue.

99. Do you miss anyone right now?

Of course, everyone I grew up with is in a completely different state. My family, my relatives, my best friend, my friends group. I miss tons of people, all the time. 

100. Who are you going to tag to do this next?

No one. ..whoever wants to.

My journey with video games

Throughout my teenage years I was always attracted to those "bad boys" who didn't have a care in the world, who were rebellious and always broke the rules... it kind of rubbed off on me too.  But God is amazing and always knows what's best for us, so He sent the sweetest, most affectionate, loving and caring man my way. Who is now in case someone doesn't know yet, my husband.
Now if you first meet him, he seems like a nice ordinary guy, but little do people know, that in the realms of his man cave (or our living room) is the king of geeks. Which is something that I have found to be quite attractive about him.

Growing up, I went through many phases..the sweet innocent one, the rebellious one, the somewhat mature one...but along with all of those I always carried with me a nerdy side...not geeky, nerdy. I listen to classical music, played piano, read every young adult book in the library, have an obsession with art, love to write, always had English and literature as a favorite class, and the list could go on and on.

So when Andrey revealed his geeky side to me more and more, I realized how parralel my world of nerdiness went along with his geeky one. Two completely different things but something we both learned to appreciate about each other so much.

Throughout our few short months of marriage I think those two worlds evolved into each other and he took upon some of my nerdiness while I drenched myself into that geeky world of his.

He pre reads all my blogs and takes me to art museums, and I can rant about a movie we just watched for hours, rating it and evaluating it. But a big part of his lifestyle that I never thought I would catch myself getting into was gaming.

Andrey has been a gamer since he was about five years old, he could probably write a book about all his console and game experiences. And the more I think about it the more I realize that, growing up, I played more games than I thought.. we went through gameboys and play stations, even a joystick and many pc games, I even remember playing Age of Empire.

But when I got older I hit a phase where I was extremely against gaming. I watched how it took over my siblings lives, and it upset me because I thought their imagination wouldn't expand, and their learning and growing  abilities would be affected. I even wrote an essay about how my kids aren't going to be involved with technology.

I still hope to live up to that, I hope that my kids have a childhood where they play pretend and love the outdoors, I hope that they learn skills mannualy and not through electronics,  but my views on gaming changed completely..thanks to Andrey. And when my kids grow up and make their own decisions, I will let them decide for themselves whether they want to be involved in that or not.

Now I know that this topic could bring up lots of questions about where I stand with my Christian beliefs, my morals, but don't be so quick to judge me yet.

We live in a world filled with a large variety of games.. whether its games on our phone or board games in our drawers, we play physical games, we play learning games, strategy games, the list goes on. So how are video games that much different? ....

They arent... sure there are lots of evil content in some, but those could easily be avoided ... some board games and party games could be just as bad..for instance spin the bottle... who ever came up with that? ..

My point is, every kind of entertaintment today could be evil, but also be benefitial and educational.

So to let it out in the open, ever since we got married, I finished five video games, and am on my sixth.  And to be honest the experience was wonderful. I have come across some of the most beautiful, creative stories I have ever heard. I now am a firm believer that video games, if done right, could qualify as art. The first game I finished was called Valiant Hearts and it was based on the history of world war two..it was a hand drawn side scroller where you get to experience the horrible life people had during the era and some of the challenges of the war..as you play you learn new facts about the war and the timeline of this era. The game told a beautiful story and the ending was so touching, that I then had even more respect or all the people who took part in this tragic time.

I played another game called Brothers, a tale of two sons..where you go on a journey to find medicine for your dying father, you play as both brothers and have to figure out ways to help each other throughout the journey...also a heart warming touching experience.

Now why am I sharing this?... My point is, video games come in lots of varieties just like board games and the games on our phones. They can tell a beautiful story, challenge you, and also make you feel things. Like everything else in life we must filter what we watch and play...
 but don't be so quick to judge when you meet someone who likes video games.

And Please don't get me wrong, me and my husband don't just sit around and play all day.. we work, and go places, we spend most of our time outdoors.. I cook and clean, and take care of my home, we read and pray, have disscusions...
But once in a while, once all the important things are taken care of, we relax on the couch and play a game..and I don't see anything wrong with that because it's no different than watching a movie or listening to a story.

Seasons of our lives

Seasons of our lives

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven."
Ecc.3:1

Our lives, just like the earth, consist of seasons. Four phases that change and mold us into something new.  A repetitive pattern that goes on until our days are fully lived. A beautiful process constructed by God, that helps us live a life that He desires.

 As the earth changes, so do we. In the spring, as the world starts blooming with new life, we are given the chance to bloom as well. As everyone cleans up to prepare for sunny days, we should likewise clean up our hearts. Its the perfect season to start fresh, to remind ourselves that we are also given new life, a chance to ressurect from the old to the new. As Christs resseruction is celebrated, so is our gift of a second chance in Him.

 As the sun gets closer and the day gets warmer, summer approaches us with new opportunities, a sudden burst of energy, and a desire to serve. Lives busiest, brightest, season fills us with a drive to do as much as we can to change the world. There is a strong pull towards the outdoors and no time is wasted inside. As we soak up the sun every opportunity we get, we also soak up Gods love and use it to give back to the everyone around us. Missionary trips, camps, community events keep people busy with a focus on the one one true source of light. There is bonding through outdoor activities and smiles on people's faces as they fulfill the purpose God had planned for them. Seeds that were planted begin to sprout and fill our lives with fulfillment. Goals that were set are reached and dreams are chased after.

The earth stays warm for a few months after, but as the days get shorter, everything  starts to cool off and slow down. Everything changes color and there is a sudden calm in the wind. As the earth let's go of it's old in order to bring in the new, we should do the same.  Its the perfect time to evaluate our hearts and rid of our bad habits, so that new, better ones, could take place. We now reap what we sowed in the summer, and see what we must put more time into. The calm of autumn is the perfect time to fill our minds with knowledge of Christ  and what He expects of us. We should reevaluate who we are and strive to be better, to know Him and ourselves more.

As the earth grows even colder and the snow falls we can then, in the comfort of our warm homes, start to make plans and goals for the new year. As many animals go in their dens to hibernate, we are given a chance to rest as well. During this resting period we are given the opportunity to become more intimate with our father.  We have even more time to get to know Him, and make plans of how else to serve Him when the winter passes. The white snow reminds us to cleanse ourselves and be just as pure and white. We then celebrate the upbringing of a new year, a fresh cycle of seasons and remind ourselves that we were created for a purpose.

How beautiful the seasons of our lives are, so different but directed toward one purpose; to set our eyes on the Creator, who has a new season prepared for all His children. The best season of all. One where we could be with Him forever.
May the seasons we have now, help prepare us for the best one yet to come, one where Everything will change for the better, one where we will exist in perfection for eternity.